Monday, December 6, 2010

Awakening To It All Again

I awoke again
with the first thought in my head being:
"So, I didn't die in my sleep, damn"
and crawled from bed like a man who had found
comfortablity
only to give it back unwillingly

I knew I was late for my appointment
down at the nuthouse, they waited for me,
or so my egotistical mind was thinking,
loosely

They said "We'll have to reschedule you"
for the third time in 3 months
since I'd broken myself down to "admitting"
that I need help and can't do it alone,
since the day I spent with the crazies
at University of Arkansas For Medical Sciences,
since the night I spent sleepless thinking about a girl,
a girl who loved me, she said,
as she lived with her husband
and damned her kids with his presence
two states north of the most northern state I've been

and she broke me down farther last night,
pushed me down like the hot button in the football
the president carries around nonchalantly,
as if he couldn't destroy the world,
as if she couldn't destroy me

I told the women "There's always options..."
as she gave me some off-handed excuse
in order to let her go to bed tonight
with a falsely clear concious
as I cry myself to sleep in the arms of women
who aren't there and most likely will never be...

and when I go to sleep,
one of my final thoughts of the day,
morning
or whatever will be:
Will tonight be the night the universe lets me go?

only to awaken again in the damned empty room,
with this empty chest and all this love
that nobody I know wants nor can handle

A man looking through the fence at the other grass
and realizing it's as dead is what I stand on
and will surely not win any prizes
in Better Homes and Gardens

© 2010 William A. Robertson (All Rights Reserved)